The Four Levels of Social Entrapment

One of the most difficult aspects of interacting with other people is figuring out how to extricate yourself from a conversation without appearing rude or mentally unstable. You aren't allowed to just walk away - you need to have a reason to stop talking. And the reason can't be that you want to stop talking. You need to find a way to end the conversation without making it seem like you want the conversation to end.

This unspoken set of rules can turn an otherwise rational person into a flailing, helpless victim in a sea of self-perpetuated social anxiety.

It's like we're all competing in a game that no one wants to play.  And even though you can't ever win the game, you can prevent yourself from losing by pretending that you like playing long enough to be allowed to stop playing.


The game has four levels of difficulty.   
  
Level 1: Brief encounters with kind-of friends

There is a special kind of awkwardness between two people who don't know each other well enough to interact effectively, but are familiar enough that ignoring each other's presence isn't really an option.  No matter how much you like the person, you dread encountering them because you only know two things about each other and once you've covered those two things, there is nothing else and that is terrifying because you aren't good at ending conversations and that makes the horrible, strained silence all but inevitable.

But eventually you do run into one of these acquaintances and even though you both sense the impending awkwardness and desperately wish to avoid it, you have a social obligation to say hello. So you do, and the conversation derails even more quickly than you expected.


And then there you are, standing clumsily in the parking lot of Best Buy, frantically trying to keep the conversation afloat until one of you can think of a decently acceptable way to end the encounter. You stop caring about whether you make sense or not.  You'll say anything to avoid silence.  


At some point, the rapidly deteriorating subject material forces you to give up on being polite and just settle for the first bumbling phrase that comes out of you.  


Luckily, your artless delivery doesn't matter. The other person is just thankful that they finally have an excuse to stop talking to you.  

Level 2: Forced proximity 

 Trying to end a conversation in the grocery store is like battling a sea monster that has an infinite capacity to revive itself.  


As soon as you figure out how to disengage with the person, you run into them again and you have to figure out how to start a new conversation. And then you also have to figure out how to end that conversation.  No matter how many times you come across each other, it never really seems acceptable to not say anything.


You try to joke about it.  


Soon, however, you will exhaust your supply of pleasantries and lighthearted banter. 


The awkwardness of each new encounter is magnified by the awkwardness of the previous encounter until you have no choice but to pretend that you are so fascinated by the ingredients of what you're buying that you don't even notice the other person is there.  


Level 3: The Trap

However, some acquaintances don't share your desire to avoid awkward encounters. In fact, they often seek your company despite your complete inability to relate to each other. This person is seemingly immune to awkwardness and once they latch onto you, you are not allowed to leave until they are done with you.  


For example, you might be sitting by yourself in a cafĂ©, enjoying a cup of coffee.  And then you see her squinting up at the drink menu.  


She's trapped you at social gatherings a few times,  backing you into a corner and then standing at just the right angle so that you'd have to physically push her out of your path to escape.  She's extremely passionate about a variety of things that you have no real interest in, like veganism and the healing properties of soy.  She can talk about these things for hours without pause.  While you don't mind that she feels that way, you don't particularly want to hear about it in such great detail.  But she tells you anyway.  Over and over and over.  You might make a feeble attempt at steering the conversation to a topic of more mutual interest, but she doesn't want to talk about what you want to talk about.

The first time you escaped her conversational death-grip, you thought that she had probably said all she needed to say and that the next time you saw her, you could maybe talk about something else.  But no.  She checks up on you.  She wants to know if you've tried any of the things she suggested.  When you tell her that you "haven't gotten around to it yet," the cycle starts over again.  

You want to avoid this kind of interaction, so you turn your chair away, hoping that she won't see you when she turns around.   


But it's too late.  She's spotted you. 


She's not quite sure if it's you yet, but you can feel her eyes focusing on you.  You risk a glance to see if she's still there, even though you know that she is.  


And then you accidentally lock eyes with her.


Once eye contact is established, she begins to lurch toward you in slow motion, like a zombie in a bad horror movie.  You are consumed by a desire to bolt, but you don't.  Your obligation to adhere to social decencies outweighs your sense of self-preservation. You stay right where you are, unable to look away.  


You are going to have to talk about soybeans.  A lot.  And you are going to have to pretend that you like it.  To protect your dignity.    


Level 4: Well-intentioned social terrorism

The well-intentioned social terrorist does not alert you before they invade your safety bubble.  It's always a surprise.  You'll come home, exhausted and eager to finally feel safe from unwanted interaction. 



But then... 


You're cornered like an animal. There's nowhere to go.


You'd always assumed that your own home was a safe place - a place where you were not in danger of sudden, undesired social interaction.  But your pathetic delusions of safety implode into the realization that nowhere is safe anymore.  


You could tell them no, but you aren't busy and you don't have any immediate plans, so you don't really have an acceptable reason to decline their company.  

   

You could try to lie and say that you're just coming home to drop some stuff off before you have go somewhere.  But if you do that, you'll have to spend the rest of the night in total darkness, because if your friend walks by and notices that your lights are on, they're going to know you were lying.

 

But if you allow this person into your house, you are no longer in control of when the interaction ends.  This is not as simple as finding the right opportunity to walk away.  No.  This is some next-level shit.  You can't just walk out of your own house and leave the person there.  Where would you go?  

If you want to be left alone, you're going to have to wait it out until you can convince the other person to leave.



But even then, it isn't over.  

Now that you are aware that your home is not the impenetrable fortress of protection you once thought it was, you are forced to live in a constant state of slight uneasiness. Someone could surprise you at any time.  What if your friend decides to surprise you with a visit every day?  Now you have to worry about keeping your place picked up, "just in case."  You're scared to play music or watch movies because then you can't pretend to not be home if someone knocks on your door.  

You are no longer in control of your life.  



743 comments:

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Ireland said...

your posts often cause a loud, random, and slightly disturbing bout of laughter to emerge in an otherwise silent computer lab...

thanks for that :D

Anonymous said...

Wow Allie, I am really impressed by the animation work you did on this one :) The store aisle, the Allie on computer while sad guy is outside, and Allie under the blanket etc... As awesome as your comics are, they are totally heading to another level. Great job girlie!!! :D

Unknown said...

Which level of social awkwardness does "Running into an ex while wearing a ketchup-stained shirt because it's almost laundry day" fit in?

Jeremy said...

Fantastic as always. I run into the first thing all the time at college. It gets really awkward when I had a class with somebody back in Freshman year...

Elizabeth Kaylene said...

Oh yes. I know all about #3 and #4. I wish I could say I've gotten good at getting out of those situations, but no.

*tarazza said...

Oh god, I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE DROP BY!!! It definitely is social terrorism.

Amy said...

HAHAHAHA. So funny tears were streaming down my face.

B. Thomas said...

hahaha, this post made me (socially awkwardly) laugh all alone in my cubicle! I love your blog and it seriously helps pass the hours between 9 and 5.

Any chance of Spaghatta Nadle coming back sometime soon? I miss him!

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

Wonderful post! Your style of paranoia reminds me of Jeff in Coupling (great British comedy TV series). More please! :)

Unknown said...

Wonderful post! Your style of paranoia reminds me of Jeff in Coupling (great British comedy TV series). More please! :)

Unknown said...

Wonderful post! Your style of paranoia reminds me of Jeff in Coupling (great British comedy TV series). More please! :)

Laylabean said...

This is so awesome and so right on!! Love it! Thanks for the laugh, Allie.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, that last one. Totally why I don't have friends.

Once I knew this crazy girl who would come in my house, take off her clothes, and get drunk. Not necessarily in that order. In a random order. And you couldn't get her to leave. I took to staying in my bedroom with the door closed and she still. wouldn't. leave. Instead she ate all of the potato chips and fell asleep face down in the floor.

People are terrifying. We hates them, don't we, preciouses.

Brooke said...

Level 4 = my neighbors. He says hi and waves. You wave as you walk away to "not appear rude" but to avoid contact. Then you hear knocking on your back door. D-oh.

Stephanie said...

I thought I was alone in the universe. Not so! YAY!

Meg McCormick said...

Oh, yeah, the grocery store encounter! Hate that one.

Meg McCormick said...

Also? Your writing is humorous and insightful, but the illustrations are what keep me coming back. You're a crack-up!

Anonymous said...

I have awkward social exit times at work daily. Conversation just dissolves, or they start talking to someone else about boats or something for an hour. I usually just look at my phone and walk away like I have an important call. Sometimes I put my phone to my ear and pretend to talk on it until I'm safely away.

-Shannon

Haley said...

Every single one of the situations has happened to me. Luckily by reaching new heights of awkwardness I've managed to kill my friends and family's desire to ever drop by to see me. Of course I'm lonely now, but at least I don't live in fear.


The grocery store one gets me even if it's not me that knows the person. If my husband says hello to a friend of his the rest of the visit i'm like "there he is. he's still there . . . is he coming closer??? No . . he's getting yogurt. Phew." I feel like i'm being hunted like an animal :/

~Alissa said...

This is the real reason why people have kids. Then we can just be all "oh! the little one is about to pee his pants! gotta run!" or "gee, I'd love to chat but we have soccer practice and dentist appointments, and, um, I think one is a bit sick and might be contagious..."

Sarah said...

I just tell the other person, "Oh, wow, I have to run - my IBS is kicking in again and I'm about to take the mother of all craps."

That works really well because I can lock myself in the bathroom for half an hour and play with my iPhone until the other person finally gets the hint and leaves.

Sarah said...

I just tell the other person, "Oh, wow, I have to run - my IBS is kicking in again and I'm about to take the mother of all craps."

That works really well because I can lock myself in the bathroom for half an hour and play with my iPhone until the other person finally gets the hint and leaves.

Alice said...

Add to that bad memory of people and you're in hell.
I can't enven carry on the first part of the level 1 conversation because I don't
1-remember their name,
2-remember their job,
3-remember what they're interested in.
So I have to start with phase 3, akward comments abour nonsense.

People think I'm crazy.

Anna said...

Brilliant-I love the third to last pic. You rock my socks!

Val said...

Oh, Allie, this is one of my favorite ones yet. :) I've been sick for the past week+ and can't laugh without going into a coughing fit, so I should have skipped your new post until I felt better. 'Was laughing and wheezing for about five minutes. The soy bean enthusiast's face getting bigger and bigger (almost literally) killed me. :) You're just awesome. :)

And as an off-and-on/still pretty new runner, I'd love to see one of the cartoons from the "Texas" story made into a t-shirt or long sleeve tee (better yet, since I'm throwing requests around, right) I could wear while running. :) The line from that post about "If everyone else dies, I could still win" would be fun on race day. :)

Thank you for the laughs, and I hope you and your guy (and all the animals) are doing well and have a good holiday.

Anonymous said...

It's like the guy at the bus stop. Who talks to me every day. And then we have to continue our conversation on the bus until he gets off. And I just want to read my stories! T_T

Solution? Take the slightly earlier/later bus.

And nobody should just "drop by". Always call. Always, always, always.

graciela. said...

I have acute social anxiety and I think #3 is the easiest to get out of. If you see someone before they have spotted you, the best thing to do is leave before they see you. I have left many grocery stores before I finished my shopping just to avoid #3, which will become #2 if you stay. If you try to hide they will find you.

Laura said...

Brilliant, Allie! This even happens to me if I'm chatting online. There's always that one bored guy/girl who has nothing new to talk about, yet they decide to mount a conversational assault 5 seconds after you log on. Once I've exhausted my repertoire of "Cool!" "Nice" and "Oh, really?" the chat comes to an awkward standstill. Granted, it's easier to invent reasons to step away when the person on the other end can't see/hear you, but I'm such a terrible liar that even the Internet can't save me sometimes.

Angie said...

Genius, as usual! I've recently made the mistake of inviting someone to come swim at my pool ONCE and she will text and call every weekend wanting to know if it is "swim tiemz".

DevilsHeaven said...

You express the emotions so well!!
I love it!
What about bathroom interaction, now THAT'S AWWWWKWARD.

Danielle said...

Oh dear jeebus, I had to stop reading after level 3 to get my giggles under control and to wipe my eyes. My coworkers probably think I'm insane.

Anonymous said...

I know you can't possibly read all of these comments, so I actually feel bad for writing this:

Thank you. Number 4 is my life. My mother-in-law is the terrorist. I am finally validated in my feelings of dread about her visits.

Nelle said...

Seriously, as a waiter, I have to deal with this EVERY DAY. The worst is when the conversation strays beyond food and into something personal...then I have no way to end it comfortably. If someone REALLY gets going, I can usually pretend like another table caught my eye and act like I have to get them a refill or something. But if it's slow and I have no other tables... I'm totally screwed.

I don't know why I work as a waiter when I'm so socially awkward and hate people...but you've gotta make a living somehow.

A Day in the Life of One Girl said...

I love his little crippled arm/hand when he's caught in her gaze...

Unknown said...

I laughed my ass off. AWESOME.

Unknown said...

I laughed my ass off. AWESOME.

Unknown said...

I laughed my ass off. AWESOME.

The Sweetest said...

I have been in all of these conversations. This week, in fact. All equally awkward.

Unknown said...

Some of my favorite drawings so far. The cowering girl in the towel is one of my favorites ever.

the default attorney said...

Exceptional in its entertainment and veracity. I hate running into acquaintances on public transportation. Then you feel obligated to chat with them for the length of the ride. I've gotten off a few stops early just to euthanize the conversation.

Unknown said...

Amazing. As always, I'm in tears from laughing so hard.

Thank you for brightening my day and so many others! I forward your posts to friends and co-workers so I can share the goodness.

*HIGH FIVE FOR BEING AWESOME*

Alicia said...

I relate to this in a disturbingly true-to-my-life way. It IS my life, really. But I've spent the last ten minutes reading the comments, and the vast majority of everyone here seems to also relate.

And so, my question is this: who ARE these well-intentioned social terrorists? Are none of them reading this site? (I find that hard to believe.) Do some of the people commenting here ever do this to others without realizing it, or are the social terrorists reading this now so ashamed of themselves that they're not commenting in their own defense? I must know!

Danaconda said...

The best way to get people away from you is to start being as inappropriate as possible. If only we can all fart on command, you know?

Best post you've had in awhile. Everyone here is praising you and loving you - as they should because you're fucking incredible - but you've now set the bar really high for yourself.

I don't like when amazing people are convinced they're amazing, because then they get suckier. So yeah, you suck. Okay you don't...you have an uncanny ability to pinpoint intricacies of life that people can relate to. The topic of this post was similar to a George Carlin standup act, but your spin on it is fucking awesome. I like your blog A LOT, hehe.

Amanda Renzulli said...

My friend, who is also a blogger, has been reading your blog. She calls her boyfriend "manfriend" in her blog, and like you, never uses "my" in front of manfriend, just like you and Boyfriend! This, among many other things has led her to believe you are long lost, separated at birth sisters. I told her she should tell you and link her blog because if you had time to read it, it's HILARIOUS!! But she doesn't think it's hilarious enough for you. She doesn't think there are enough pictures! She just told me that she may begin drawing pictures. Not to compete, but to better illustrate her points in a desperate bid for your affection. I felt I needed to tell you all of that. And I hope you love her if she ever tells you about your long lost sisterhood. If you are curious and want to stalk her silently like she has been stalking you...her blog is http://www.alexawesome.com/

And she is awesome. She is.

Anonymous said...

As I age, I have become more unpleasant and less courteous to others. I guess I figure I did my courtesy time when I was younger, now it's MY time. So hey, I'm going to sit around in my stained sweatpants and watch Big Brother now, so you need to run along home, K??

Buh-bye.

Shmoolia said...

You are a total genius.

This happens to me ALL the time, particularly game level 4: Attack of the NeighborWhoIsALWAYSFUCKINGKNOCKINGWHILEI'MNAPPING.

This couple is very nice, which makes it all the more guilt-inducing to try and avoid them, but when I am home, I just want to sit on the couch in my pajamas and read. I don't want to hear about your day, neighbors, and I don't want you to knock on my goddamn door at random times to tell me. My fiance and I wanted to move anyway, but these people make me hesitate to occupy the ground level of my home. I've started ignoring the knocking, thinking that if asked about it later I can lie and say I was showering and didn't hear it, but that excuse only works once a day! I can be social, but I enjoy my hermit-like lifestyle on days off. Bah.

Anonymous said...

Oh god you hit the nail on the head! I hate akward social interactions as well and the sad thing is I think everyone does. Also your drawings had me cracked up, especially loved the vegan lurching towards you.

Jeff Moore said...

Every introverted bone in my body shook with laughter. Curse those unwanted social interactions! Introverts of the world unite (in an "I'll read in this corner and you read in that corner" sort of way)!

Anonymous said...

Oh my god. This happened to me this morning. An old friend from highschool cornered me on facebook (a guy I hadn't spoken to in 8 years) and started telling me all about his sex problems with his gay partner and how he needed surgery to fix them. Then he started telling me he would send me a photo if I weren't married because he was sure I couldn't believe all that he was telling me. I was so mortified. And trapped. And dying to escape. It took me FOREVER. Your post has never been more timely for me.

Oracle at D said...

Too too funny! You know, there are medications available that would stop your suffering. But that would curtail your output. Can't have that!

Jenny said...

I just got home from an hour at an anxiety therapist. Discussing how terrified I am of social situations. Due to these exact reasons. My windows are always drawn, just in case of a pop in. I hide in another room when someone knocks on the door. Sigh. She didn't offer a solution other than "maybe these are just your quirks and there's nothing wrong with them"... yeah... clearly it's the other people that have the things wrong with them! That's the point! Thanks for being awesome.

leonie said...

you're absolutely brilliant. "level three" is just insanely funny.

Anonymous said...

Dear Allie,
I am in love with you. Are you and Boyfriend in need of a female sex slave? I am engaged to be married in 2 weeks but I can change that. I would do that for you, Allie. I would do that for you.

Unknown said...

Haha, it's so true. Right now I'm reading this post as a way of procrastinating replying to a client who wants to have coffee for no reason at all other than he'll be in town. Why do we need to meet socially. The project was completed months ago. Do I care what he looks like? No. Do I need to waste an hour plus travel time into town just to have idle chit chat and spend money on coffee when I could be at home on the computer working on other projtects and making my own coffee? Seriously, I've considered putting a caveat on my website that that I'd be happy to do their design projects, as long as we never have to meet in person. I alos keep getting invited by clients to their 50th birthday parties and other social gatherings. I must be acting too friendly or something...

Shinna said...

The solution is easy: When they come up to talk to you, just scream "NO ONE'S HOME" with a straight face, staring at them.
Of course, this is only if you're not one of those people who needs to be socially functional.

Erin said...

That IS social terrorism! Sheezus, I would never show up at someone's house unbidden. Lately I've taken to sitting very still on my couch when the doorbell rings, and pretending I'm not there. Even if my car is in the driveway. :-)

Anonymous said...

Every time you make a post it immediately makes me desperately want another post. I'm like an Allieholic. Wow, that sounds really creepy. Anywho, can you clone yourself multiple times and post like every hour please? kthxbye

Mina said...

This is ur best post yet! I love it! Ur amazing.

Cat said...

I used to hate playing hide and seek with people at the door when I was studying abroad. It was incredibly hard to hide the fact that I was in, because the walls were thin and I enjoy playing music loudly and singing along to Journey. Badly. Also like doing this in my pyjamas until 5pm.

I even had to pretend I was ill once to get away from the horrified looks of two Japanese Jehovah's Witnesses at my door. It was 10am! Perfectly acceptable time for bed hair and pyjamas!

Great stuff today, more more more! :D

Sibyllene said...

Was level four based on your personal experience with bad apartment guy? (Eaaaaarly comics, I think.) Anyway, like always, spot on. The coffeehouse pictures had me making a noise like "Ehhhhhhh heh heh heh heh heh....."

Michelle said...

It's so true! I love the grocery isle drawing the best.

anne marie in philly said...

right on, sistah!

Anonymous said...

You continue to sum up life in a brilliant and amusing fashion.

*clicks follow because she finally has some sort of account login to do so with*

Anonymous said...

I actually have a problem of the 4th kind. A completely crazy girl who has decided we are best friends after a few hours of talking. She stalks me, and just stops by. When she is here, she tries to spend the night because she doesn't want to leave. I am terrified to post anything on facebook that will give any indication of me being home. It is a constant fear of being found-and it sucks. These totally hit the nail on the head!

Unknown said...

That pretty much just sums up my life. You are amazing as always!

kim said...

you are wearing a snuggie in that last clip aren't you....come on..you can tell us.

ThatPaganiGuy said...

Love it. I just always try to look busy. Usually, I just act like I'm texting someone when I'm surrounded by people

klonazepam said...

HAHAHAHAH this is me everyday. awesome. I am so glad i found your blog today

schwa said...

This is why a ringing doorbell in my house is always responded to with a stop-drop-and roll. DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT. DISENGAGE. DISENGAGE. ABORT-ABORT-ABORT. Ringing telephones are also of the devil.

It gives me whole realms of comfort to know that I'm not alone.

p.s. My big sister feels exactly the same way. We're so relieved that we no longer live in the south.

p.p.s. 467 other people feel the same? Aren't we, like, a reclusive undercover army, now? You mean I'm part of a GROUP?? OH GOD, THE INCLUSIVENESS, IT BURRRRRRNNNNNSSSS

Stacie said...

Well worth the wait!

Traci said...

SO FUNNY! What about the one where you take your dogs out to potty and you want to be quick because you are watching a program that you don't want to miss, and someone stops you outside and wants to make small talk. Ummm....I'm sort of not out here to socialize. I kind of HAD to take the dogs out. Sooo.....

D said...

i actually don't mind three and four very much. as long as i don't have to feel awkward, i'm fine with it.

Anonymous said...

Wow. This is, by far, my favorite post ever. It is SO TRUE. Thank you so much, Allie, for making my day. I have been having such a horrible week... You have no idea how good it feels to laugh again.Thank you x 382965486928639201834017.

Carrie said...

Best shit EVER

StephanieC said...

I linked this post to my blog then somehow deleted it because I was super-haughty when Blogger said "hey, dumbass, you sure you want to delete this post? You really really sure?"

And I was all "yeah, totally, that's the lame partial post I was going to make about my pet pegasus named Rico Suave..."

And then it was gone.

And I realized it was the link to your post.

And then I swore and posted to blog forums everywhere to help me recover it.

Then I fixed it!! Yayyyyy!
http://seriouslyreallyseriously.blogspot.com/

Simone said...

You nailed it. You're fucking hilarious. Thank you, talented one.

g0thiC_iCe_cReaM said...

lol, the last part is absolutely the thing I dread the most. I have some friends/aquaintences that just never leave. I've run into one couple having breakfast down the street and the end up following me home....then end up staying for EIGHT or more hours...

...I've had times where I've just gone to bed and left people sitting in my living room b/c I couldn't get rid of them lol...

Anonymous said...

Good to see you again, Allie! I love your blog. Brings me joy. So I am working retail now, and I saw this person who knew me from the past, but I correctly performed the "duck and enjoy" maneuver, and avoided them. Wanted to bring some peace to those poor snuggied people in your comics. Love your blog, again. Had a weird, weird dream about it last night, so maybe making this comment will make my life ok. :)

-Laura (the one who commented about your sweet rat)

Anonymous said...

Allie,
Brilliant as usual. The grocery aisle is magnificent! How long did it take to draw that? The last comic is the key to getting rid of the person at the door. You say "I'm sick, sorry, gotta run," and flee into your apartment. Then you can curl up in the blanket for as long as you want. Also, agree that as you age some of this doesn't bother you as much any more and it becomes easier to just blow people off (in a nice way).
physicsmom

Alex said...

Stealing from the Flaming Lips you can always say "Excuse me, I need to re-enter the social orbit" then spin around a few times (bonus points for pirouettes) and then walk away. After an exit like that you can pretty much get away with anything.

Akintudne said...

Allie, your posts are an amazing, well-deserved pick-me-up after a frustrating round of Obligation Fulfillment.

The blank stare while hiding behind the cup of coffee was an awesome panel, btw.

Anonymous said...

I always just play my music as loud as I can and don't have to be bothered with visitors....though some have to be ignored with their annoying ass pounding on the door.

Coyote said...

Awww! You're so much nicer than I am!

Type 1: As soon as I see that the other person is uncomfortable also, I _immediately_ rescue both of us by saying something like "Well, nice talking to you! Take care!"

Type 2: I've never really figured out how to handle this when it's actually someone I _am_ friends with, but when it's an acquaintance I don't know as well, I greet them once with something like "Oh, fancy running into you here!" and then I resume shopping. If I see them again, I smile briefly, then continue to shop without talking.

Type 3: I give these people little to no mercy. Once it becomes clear that they're just going to latch on and rattle on about something I'm uninterested in, and that they don't really want a conversation - they just want to talk AT me - I interrupt bluntly and say "I'm sorry, I have absolutely zero interest in (subject). Can you please stop telling me about it?"

Ideally, do this when they've stopped to take a sip of something they're drinking. If you are lucky, they'll choke on it a little.

Or, if you're fast enough, as _soon_ as you make eye contact, smile, but not very much, wave a little in an offhanded way, and then _immediately_ start reading a book. Always carry a book. This gesture says "Hi! Saw you walking around over there! Going back to amusing myself now!"

Type 4: Don't let them in. They're like vampires, and they lose their power if you don't let them across the threshold. When they try to invite them in, say "Sorry, I'm tired and I'm about to go relax. I'm not up for company."

Xana said...

i love this post i'm soo happy you finally posted again thank you!!

blacklisted said...

I was recently the victim of a large-scale Level 4, an unwanted surprise party when I really just wanted to lounge around in my pajamas and drink coffee. Then when I wanted to leave, I couldn't. I acted sleepy and then pretended to fall asleep. Is that socially unacceptable?

Bored College Student said...

Level Four is exactly what happened to me last spring... This guy decided I was his soulmate and started following me around our rather small campus. He ambushed me outside my dorm room after I had been shopping and was exhausted and sunblind. He proceeded to follow me into my room and awkwardly watched me put groceries away until I kicked him out.

Karah said...

Wow, all of those apply to me. :-(
Dang you social anxiety!
GREAT POST!:-D

Anonymous said...

Loved it...just now spending hours reading through your older posts and hoping they never run out! You're the best! And this one is so true...especially for someone who is anti-social such as myself!

Anonymous said...

I just choose to be rude. It's much easier.

Miz Dinah said...

That is so true. Your observations are alarmingly astute and your illustrations are hilariously accurate. I have been socially terrorized. I have my very own terrorist...and she's family...and elder. And lonely. Sigh. You have coined a worthy phrase, my friend.

Maureen said...

my downstairs neighbor is the definition of number 4.

Anonymous said...

I laughed so hard, I had tears running down my cheeks. Also, I was 'snort-laughing' like a feral pig. Good stuff...

Anonymous said...

......BAP!.......

That still makes me laugh. Although I have yet to try it during an awkward silence.

For the grocery store moments, you have to remember that the other person doesn't want to talk to you anymore than you want to talk to them, so you can just smile (not a misspelling) and say hi and nothing more. They will be so grateful to you. And then every other meeting can be just a shmile (tightening of the lips) or a nod and that's enough. Then again, you can just run to the farthest part of the store from where they are and work your way toward them so that you hopefully only cross paths one more time. Ugh. Now that I think about it, it's almost as bad as talking.
I loved the deterioration of the #1 conversation "Get thee to thy destiny--godspeed!". Bwah ha ha ha!

Helmi

Vertigo said...

When I was about 12 I had a friend like situation 4. The biggest issue became that my mother was in control of when to let this beast into the house. I'd beg and beg for her to just pretend we were really busy but she never did and it was scarring.

Unknown said...

Them: "SO NOW ALL I DRINK IS SOY MILK AND IT IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN REGULAR MILK BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE TO MAKE COWS SOMEWHAT UNCOMFORTABLE AND I REALLY LIKE ANIMALS AND..."

Me: "I wonder how big Pterodactyl poo was? I mean, I've seen some pretty big bird poo on my car... Man, lucky they're extinct, huh?"

Them: "... I... HAVE... LEFT THE... LAUNDRY... ON AT MY HOUSE! BYE BYE!"

Desert Islander said...

I am glad I never have had to deal with level 4. If I had to do that, I might have to get rather violent.

Anonymous said...

I am exactly the opposite

Lala said...

This is where the advantages of being a hyper, spazzy and just generally weird person come in handy. You can randomly shout "OKAY, BYE!" or any random statement and then run away in the middle of a boring conversation and it's readily accepted as just something you do. Last week I was in the car with a couple of my friends and I rolled the window down and screeched really loudly at a passerby, then rolled it back up all nonchalantly... they just kept on talking. They're used to these things. It's comforting to know.

emily said...

i laughed so hard at this! you're writing is genius and spectacularly funny but the illustrations really made it super excellent.

Anonymous said...

You want to know the real irony of this (absolutely fantastic) post?

Recognizing someone I'd really rather not recognize posting a comment here, enough to make me do a double-take and check their blog. Five times. But no, it is true. Here they are. Commenting on this very same topic. On the goddamn internet. I have no words...

Otherwise, terrifying close-ups of the coffee soy-loving lady really made my night.

Stephanie said...

After my grandma died, we lived in her flat because my mom inherited it. Her dad and stepmom lived one floor up, and they'd walk in *without knocking* because my grandma had given them a key in case of emergency. AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I have an idea for a post--like a research thing. You could try just walking away mid conversation (or at the most saying "ok, well, bye!) to every one that you talk with for one week. Then report on the results. Pleeeaaaasee?

Helmi

Tim said...

This is great, I love this blog, always funny.

Stephanie said...

Re Helmi - oh please!!!!!! That would be awesome.

20 Prospect said...

Can you please explain this to my wife? Maybe then she'll understand why I want to move to a house in the country, far, far away from other people.

GL said...

Brilliant!

Oil for doves said...

Woohoo, finally a new post! Your style is so fucking catchy I cannot believe it. You (among others) make true that the internet is amazing. Thank you for that, and thank you to all those who helped popularise your blog! The hands on friends12.png are by the way PERFECT.

Lachy said...

OMG, At school there is this one guy who will not leave me alone, this leads to so many situations just like the one above.

Nadia said...

all i can add is, "NICE frozen food case!"

**thumbs up**

Tracey Lee Davis said...

Your drawings kill me. So simple, yet communicate so much. You are very good at what you do. :) Thanks for putting a smile on my face this morning. I really needed it!

Mr_Misery said...

HAHAHAHAHAHHA

(I AM LAUGHING AT WHAT YOU WROTE ABOVE THE COMMENTS WINDOW !!)

YOU ARE SUPER AWSOME GIRL !!

LOVED THIS TOPIC , IT IS A PIECE OF MY LIFE , JUST LIKE THE OTHER TOPICS OF YOURS ..

YOU ARE TALENTED , AND YOUR ARE HELPING US (WHO CAN'T EXPRESS) TO EXPRESS ..

BLESS YOU GIRL

Rinna said...

I can honestly say this is one of my favourite posts you've ever written/drawn. The ~intensity of the eyelock with Soybean Lady had me screaming with laughter. Keep being awesome and socially awkward! ;D

Janice. said...

note to self: Do not read your blogs when in class. This will result in.. embarrassing bursts of laughter where everyone stares at you. ;[

sshoys said...

I can only deduce two things from this post: 1) you've tapped into my brain and have posted my thoughts in comic form, and 2) you and I would be really, really good friends.

Hilarious post!

Anonymous said...

You don't give any solutions! I play levels 1 and 2 all the time, and I suck at this game, especially because I live in a country where I speak a language that's not my first, so I have to fumble for my words even more.

Mr_Misery said...

hmm .. I read the comments from 201 to 513 .. but i have to go now ..

some family guest is coming for dinner , and i don't like to be there , so i got find a place where i can go and sit .. or eat ..

preferably out of home ..

Mikael said...

"Get thee to thine destiny!" Classic... Very cute Allie and very true! I think I've had that grocery store conversation you depicted several times. Very awkward.

Anonymous said...

I loved this post and identified with it ;though not in such 'hyperboleed' proportions(i know that's not a word)But weirdly enough,I find myself being the initiator of such never-ending conversations especially on the net and feel really depressed when I don't have anything to talk about.But your blog makes me laugh at these little silly idiosyncrasies and (cant think of anything else)...mmm....mmmm..I am again feeling awkward now...lol !!

Perri said...

You nailed it! I feel like this pretty much all the time.....

Unknown said...

LOL It's even worse for me. I tend to forget people I randomly met pretty quickly cuz I don't really care for remembering who they even were. Then it gets pretty awkward when I run into the person like a year later and while I'm still narrowing my eyes trying to guess if it's actually them or not, they are already coming up and going all "OMG hi, how are you, how is that uni you've studied at, how was that exam you were so worried about?..." And while I keep answering that stream of questions with a seemingly excited smile, I realize I have no idea who exactly they are or where we even met, I just kinda remember the face. AWKWARD.

Mene Tekel said...

Number 2 made me realize I could try learning something about the other person instead of standing there awkwardly. So then we'd have more to talk about each time we saw each other.

Corinne said...

LOVE IT! The close-ups on "The Trap" made me actually laugh out loud. Kudos!

Miles said...

These drawings. They are getting quite phosisticated.

Anonymous said...

I finally got around to making my own blog, then realized that our blogs originate from the same site, and suddenly I felt compelled to post a comment for you. Because you are awesome and I have been stalking you(r blog). :D

I experience all kinds of social entrapment just about anywhere I go, especially "the trap" kinds. Only instead of awkward conversations about soy, I get hit with things I have even less interest in. Like politics (specifically "how retarded" Obama), ATVs, and the breeding of specific species, such as dogs or gerbils. It makes it even harder to get out of, even, because I don't know a nice way of saying, "That's great, but I really don't care who or what your dog is boning."

cynicalbuddha said...

Allie,
Your cartoon make me giggle like a little school girl, which is doesn't go over well in a office with scientist and your trying to look like a brainy man.

Brittany said...

Uhmaaaazing post! My sentiments exactly. Being an introvert, I always find myself stuck in my own home, losing control of my life, cowering in fear of my friends making surprise visits (which they do often!).

I even had a friend text me once saying, "Knock, knock!" My heart started racing and I thought, "Oh god, no."

Soon enough, I hear my door knocking for real. Ugh, she is such a talker. I sat and listened to her gab about Jonas brothers for an HOUR!

Anonymous said...

I have hid in the bathroom of both Target and the grocery store, if I know someone. Or, if they move on, I'll drop my cart and leave. It's just so not worth it. I also will hide in aisles while I watch the people I know check out, to make sure they are gone. It's easier than running away!

Anonymous said...

Oh, also, I bought your "Clean all the Things!" tshirt, and I love it so much. Thank you!

Anonymous said...

This reminds me of "The Meaning of Liff", sooo funny :


CORRIEARKLET (n.)
The moment at which two people approaching from opposite ends of a long passageway, recognise each other and immediately pretend they haven't. This is to avoid the ghastly embarrassment of having to continue recognising each other the whole length of the corridor.

CORRIECRAVIE (n.)
To avert the horrors of corrievorrie (q.v.) corriecravie is usually employed. This is the cowardly but highly skilled process by which both protagonists continue to approach while keeping up the pretence that they haven't noticed each other - by staring furiously at their feet, grimacing into a notebook, or studying the walls closely as if in a mood of deep irritation.

CORRIEDOO (n.)
The crucial moment of false recognition in a long passageway encounter. Though both people are perfectly well aware that the other is approaching, they must eventually pretend sudden recognition. They now look up with a glassy smile, as if having spotted each other for the first time, (and are particularly delighted to have done so) shouting out 'Haaaaaallllloooo!' as if to say 'Good grief!! You!! Here!! Of all people! Will I never. Coo. Stap me vitals, etc.'

CORRIEMOILLIE (n.)
The dreadful sinking sensation in a long passageway encounter when both protagonists immediately realise they have plumped for the corriedoo (q.v.) much too early as they are still a good thirty yards apart. They were embarrassed by the pretence of corriecravie (q.v.) and decided to make use of the corriedoo because they felt silly. This was a mistake as corrievorrie (q.v.) will make them seem far sillier.

CORRIEVORRIE (n.)
Corridor etiquette demands that one a corriedoo (q.v.) has been declared, corrievorrie must be employed. Both protagonists must now embellish their approach with an embarrassing combination of waving, grinning, making idiot faces, doing pirate impressions, and waggling the head from side to side while holding the other person's eyes as the smile drips off their face, until with great relief, they pass each other.

CORRIEMUCHLOCH (n.)
Word describing the kind of person who can make a complete mess of a simple job like walking down a corridor.

Anonymous said...

I think you just need to kill off some of your friends, metaphorically of course :p

You have loads of friends now on--dun dun dun--THE INTERNET. Real-life friends can suck it :p

Though really, I noticed all the people I was entertaining strictly on the basis of being nice were wasting my time and adding to my stress level :p It's so much nicer with them actually knowing you don't care to converse :p

Talitha said...

K.

There's something to be said for being super-unobservant when in a hurry. Not "walk into traffic while reading a book while walking down the main drag of a city with 7.5 million people during rush hour" type unobservant, but the "everyone becomes little droids I'm not looking for" type unobservant.

Though admittedly, I'm pretty chatty... so this post was probably meant for me in... a different way.

I've pretty much trained people not to expect me to notice them.

Though that's not always possible when trying to leave church.
I usually have things to do (eg. eat! uh.. REST! For ONCE!) on Sunday. But it's not really a good excuse for all those nice people you only slightly recognize from church who really want to invite you to a restaurant with 30 other people and no food on the menu you can consume without allergic consequences.

And yet, there doesn't seem to be enough time to explain all that, and be polite at the same time.
"I'd really love to go eat with you, but it would probably kill me." ... It just doesn't have the right ring to it.

Steve said...

Heh,
'I must be hasty' is hilarious!
Great job and so sadly true in every instance.

Meaghan Camille said...

Hahahahahhaha! oh my goodness I just found your blog and I am in love with it. Everything about this post is beautiful truth just waiting to be devoured! you just completely and entirely made my day! I'm voting for you right now! haha this is like the story of my life that I haven't yet put into words! and you put it into words and FANTASTIC little pictures!!!!

Weasy said...

I love your blog. I think we share an alarming amount of neurosis, but that's okay, at least it means we're not alone. (Yay?)

I've totally had the grocery store thing happen. My biggest problem with random social interactions is that I remember faces really well but names, not so much. I feel like a terrible person every time someone else says hello and remembers my name but I can't pull theirs out of my brain. Usually I try to extricate myself as quickly and politely as possible.

The_Rat_Queen said...

i know it was only 11 days, but OH MY GOD I MISSED YOU SO HARD.

also, just now, i am about to be dragged into social niceties by a friend from high school as soon as i stop typing.

god i don't want to stop typing...


*SOB*

The_Rat_Queen said...

OH GOD I MISSED YOU SO HARD.

also, just now, i am about to be dragged out of my comfort zone into the land of perpetually awful social niceties as soon as i stop typing.

I DON'T WANT TO STOP TYPING.

*SOB*

Tonina said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

The grocery thing just cracked me up! I live in a small town, so random people I knew in middle school, third cousins of my husband's who somehow know me when I have no clue who the heck they are, women who used to work with my mom 20 years ago - they all manage to find me in the store. It's usually either frequent Level 2-style meetings or a horrible Level 3-style marathon I can't break away from without the intervention of a gun-wielding maniac.

And I once actually did spend an entire evening in my house with the shades drawn and the lights off, reading by flashlight in an interior room, to avoid a threatened "visit" from someone I just couldn't stand who'd tried to invite herself to my house earlier. I told her I'd be out all night - and her response was to say she'd drop by later just to see if I got home early! So I spent an entire night hiding in my own house.

Allie, thanks for perfectly describing the way social rules entrap you in their cold, vine-like grasp, and never let you go.

Robin said...

Oh Allie. You're hilarious. I need to stop discovering your new posts at work....

Anyway, my least favorite awkward interaction is when you see someone you know (and presumably like or at least tolerate) in the hallway and you're walking towards each other, and they see you too. How far away do you have to get to say "hi?" Do you just nod, smile, both, etc??? AAHHH so nerve wracking!

Anonymous said...

Your posts are pretty nifty :) and yes, I did just use that word. Nifty. :D

Unknown said...

This blog is such a lovely corner of the Interwebs. It always makes me burst out laughing in front of the screen no matter how crap my day has been. Thank you for that. I rarely comment on blogs but you deserve all the praise you get. I love how poignantly you bring real-life situations to light in a humorous way that any slightly socially-inept or reclusive person can relate to. Keep going!!! :)

Unknown said...

This blog is such a lovely corner of the Interwebs. It always makes me burst out laughing in front of the screen no matter how crap my day has been. Thank you for that. I rarely comment on blogs but you deserve all the praise you get. I love how poignantly you bring real-life situations to light in a humorous way that any slightly socially-inept or reclusive person can relate to. Keep going!!! :)

Jaz said...

hehehe
i loved the pictures where the scary woman in blue approaches. it was horrifying but entertaining...
I dont usually get stuck in these situations too much because my brain is still in 7 yr old mode and I avoid avoid avoid without actually realising im being rude until 2 days later...then tis too late..
and really you cant aplogize that late can you XD
Im an ostrich.

xxx

Dark said...

Woow, now I'm glad i have few friends, don't go shopping or to social gatherings, and almost no one knows where i live. :( i just realized how pathetic that sounds.

Dark said...

Woow, now I'm glad i have few friends, don't go shopping or to social gatherings, and almost no one knows where i live. :( i just realized how pathetic that sounds.

Anonymous said...

Although this is ridiculously cute and hilarious, the material is pathetic. Anyone who feels this awkward or does these things around these sort of people needs to stop hiding from life. It's like ur living in fear. Pathetic. Seek counseling

Kara said...

I read this the other day and I swear to God, I left the house to get lunch and this exact situation happened to me with my new hairstylist. It was funny because as it was happening I was envisioning the comic strip and marveling at the similarities.

Kara said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dy said...

ALLIE! You have a WIKI ARTICLE!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Alataristarion/Allie_Brosh

Anonymous said...

OMG, I just discovered your blog a few weeks ago and I am OBSESSED. You are too funny. I just sat on my couch for a half hour reading the weird stuff you write about and cried with laughter. I think I just burned at least 50ish calories. Amazing. I love you!

Tania said...

This is my life EVERYDAY!! But my best strategy to avoid undesired social interaction is to wear earphones, pretend I'm not listening to anyone (eventhough I am most of the time)e

Lauren said...

I'd add "awkward conversations with total strangers while using public transportation" to this list. I've been ambushed at bus stops too many times to count. Headphones don't always work, either--they just talk louder :P

♥α§Ń’£Îµ¥™♥ said...

I totally farking love you! I found you a few days ago, tripped my way through every blog, despite how busy and tired I get, and you make me want to write blogs that people read too! I totally relate to a lot of your stuff, and I love your style ;) definitely following.

Saretta said...

Hilarious! Thanks for a good laugh!

Unknown said...

Dear Allie,

I would like to thank you for liberating me from the entrapment of the judgmental society in which we live. I have always sensed an almost strangeness in me - a uniqueness that set me apart from my peers. Yet I was always afraid to let my true colors shine. When I got into college, I let it show a bit but I'd quickly retreat back to being a normal robot (similar to that scene in Finding Nemo in which Marlin and Nemo cautiously go in and out of their coral before leaving home). After discovering and poring over your blog (for hours) my boyfriend noticed a not-so-subtle difference in my behavior. Okay fuck this bullshit. He thinks I'm crazy now. :D

...and I'm also now convinced there is an orc rapist in my closet too. Except I'm pretty sure mine has stolen Harry Potter's invisibility cloak and walks around without me knowing.

hbee said...

Hilarious! :)

You have epic skills in paint. :D

Jennifer Louise said...

I love you. That is all.

You always get social situations spot on!

Anonymous said...

Have you ever looked into Asperger Syndrome?

Not that it would matter because they really can't do anything about it.

Ryo said...

AWESOME! I'm so glad I'm not alone in perceiving the horror of social existence. Thank you, as always.

Ryo said...

Anonymous, you are so right about the prognosis for Asperger's syndrome. Don't even bother. Just accept your (or Allie's) quirks and the fact that life ain't easy, and try to come up with some laughs anyway.

Stephanie said...

Pinning a vague diagnosis based on quirkiness is not exactly helpful. "Oh, my kid's a little different - he must have autism!"

Lori said...

Freaking hysterical (as always)!!!

May said...

Sounds like someone needs to master the smile and nod, the smile and cutesie finger-wave, and the OH NO my place is a MESS you can't possibly come in I'd just be MORTIFIED!

the 90s will never die said...

The pictures in this post are AMAZING. Especially the "she's spotted you" one. I go to college so this happens all the fucking time. I ALWAYS run into one of my housemates when I'm in the kitchen making food (like for some reason we always make food at the exact same time) and it's the worst because it's like, "oh hi! it's you again! in the kitchen!" and then I always have that weird feeling that maybe she thinks I'm some kind of stalker or something? Level 4 happened to me last week...I had just gotten out of the shower and was brushing my teeth wearing nothing but a towel when I ran into one of my housemates who I'm sort of friends with and we started talking...then after I was done brushing my teeth she was like "okay I have to get something from my room, but I'll knock on your door!" When she did knock on my door I was in the middle of changing and had to ask her to wait a minute. I mean I like both of these people but it's just like, AWKWARD.

gene said...

what is really a problem is when you are subjugated to awkward interactions, because it is your job and people are paying you money and social security benefits and all this stuff, what can you do be all "i don't want to talk to you" no you have to talk to them.

Vertimyst™ said...

The solution to Level 4: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKNU5xgvua0

Works every time. ^_^

Anonymous said...

Of all the emotions, awkwardness is my god damn favourite.

Anonymous said...

Encounter Number One: My father.
Encounter Number Three: My mother.
Encounter Number Four: My great-aunt.

My family is a socially awkward encounter. Do you have any advice for this?

Ayesha said...

Its funny 'cause its true :D

TheWanderWoman said...

OK, I just realized that one of the imagined characters in the first panel has sad faces in its eyes, which is making me giggle on a "bad brain" (i.e. wallowing-in-depression-for-no-reason-whatsoever) day. I remain, madam, your humble servant.

Shmoolia said...

You know, being afraid of getting bothered at home is not one of the criteria for Asperger's Syndrome, nor does it indicate dysfunction in any way. People with Autism and Asperger's are not necessarily anxious about these kinds of social interaction, and in some cases would be unable to utilize this level of verbal variety/eloquence. She didn't say she lived her entire life in the dark, just that it is shittily annoying to feel like you are hiding from an unpleasant social interaction. I'm very social, but when I want to be alone, don't knock on my goddamn door.

Nice armchair psychology, judgemental person, but leave it to the experts. Allie rocks.

That Weird Girl said...

Hey Allie,
As always, had me cracking up! This is my first comment on your blog, but I've been following it for a while. I LOVE IT! My family always looks at me like I've got something growing out of my head as I make the most insanely annoying sounds: snorts, giggles, shrieks, and guffaws.

So anyway, I don't want to gush. But you inspire me. You rock, chica! If you're ever in Tillamook...go visit the cheese factory. Yummy! Cheese! Oh. We're also there...kinda, close enough, anyway.

Dr. Cynicism said...

Brilliance! Sheer brilliance!

Anonymous said...

In addition to all of the above, I have been stalked before via AIM.

Every night, this girl would start IMing me, even if I was fried and didn't want to talk. If I didn't answer her IMs in a timely fashion, she would call me. And heaven forbid she do that, because then she would never stop talking. So I stopped signing on AIM. But then she'd find me on Yahoo. So I stopped signing in on Yahoo. Then she would CALL me. Sometimes I would make my sister pick up and tell her I wasn't at home.

Mylifeasacomic said...

=) too true, too true.

I tried making a comic on awkwardness like this.

You made one MUCH better. Exaggeration that doesn't seem too... exaggerated? I think the same things ^^

Ian Alexander said...

At this point I just invent excuses to leave.

Oh god, I'm terribly sorry, I have to perform a tracheotomy on a horse, I'm terribly late for it, goodbye. Hey, let's hang out [but not really, because I don't actually like you]!

This does not work with the social terrorist, none of whom have seen fit to grace my life.

Anne said...

Okay. So. There is a very good chance that I have waited much too long to comment to this post therefor leaving it buried under the loads of other comments and you will never see it because it was lost under roughly 577 (I assume at least one of those comments was you responding, hence the "roughly") other people adoring you. But that's alright. Because there is nothing wrong with a spot of adoration.

And now I will move on.

I just want to let you know that I've spent the last few days going through your backposts one by one, and I must say, everything I've read of yours so far (I'm currently back as far as October of last year) is flat out fantastic. There have been too many moments to count that you had me laughing hysterically. Plus, a lot of your posts sound a lot like me. Especially ones about social situations that are icky (this one, for example) and This Is Why I'll Never Be An Adult. That one might as well be written about me.

I hope you don't mind too much, but I've put a link to this blog on mine. It's not like that many people will see it, I'm still an internet-unknown (you have clearly reached internet-celebrity, by the way), but it's there none the less.

Keep on being as fantastic as a unicorn!

-Anne

Zebulon Pi said...

Oh God... you are SO funny. I don't think I've laughed as hard at anything else I've found on the Internet.

Never stop doing this.

As long as you want to, anyway. Doing it when you don't want to wouldn't be good.

Not like you'd be doing it if you didn't want to just because I asked you to.

I mean, you don't even know me, right?

Not that, if you knew me, I'd expect you to keep doing something that you didn't want to because I asked you to because you knew me. Cuz I wouldn't. Ask.

Um... Godspeed!

Anonymous said...

This is really ridiculous because Level 4 just happened to me a couple hours ago. I was super pissed off before, but after reading this post I feel a helluva lot better. :P

funkoffan said...

You make me want to be a better blogger. Or just a blogger. Rather than just a comment-leaver-person.

Charlie said...

Can I please be your friend? I am quite literally the victim in this post each day of my life. And I also have a blue blanket that I hide under when all of these offenders try to find me.

christie! said...

SO GOOD.

christie! said...

Also, I'm glad someone else hates talking to people they kind of know just as much as me. I can't tell you how many times I have had to walk really slow, pretended not to see a person, or made excuses to avoid these situations.

Unfortunately, NO ONE can avoid them all.

0.o

Anonymous said...

awesome post. for some reason i felt inclined to share this with everyone:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PaBMmg-hdcc&feature=related

probably the coolest thing i have ever seen on youtube

Michelle said...

Hey! I love love love your blog. Sometimes I think that you and I might be the same person, except that you live in Montana and I live in TX (which seems to follow the same rules)

I actually was wondering if you could give me advice. I just started a blog, completely different from yours, and was just curious how you got people to start visiting at the very beginning. I'm not posting my URL so you won't think that I'm just trying to get you to follow me or something.

Laurentia said...

I just turn all the lights on and the music up loud... Sorry. I didn't hear you... I was making art and drinking wine.

Ryan said...

I'm pretty much exactly this person you describe except even a level deeper. You seem to be projecting, as I tend to. Just because we have some social anxiety doesn't mean that everyone does, and a lot of people wouldn't be bothered at all by the situations you described above. In fact, I even made this one night with quotes from www.grouphug.us http://img339.imageshack.us/img339/5526/alonem.jpg

Anyways, in an extroverted world of Tucker Max's, Entourage, The Real World etc. it's really nice to have someone who makes down-to-earth things entertaining. When you make a book of all these (unless you hate money) I'm totally buying one.

Joanna Schmidt said...

again, you are describing my life. Change the blog name: Life of Jo

Gitte said...

"Brief encounters with kind-of friends" has happened a lot lately. Newly I began studying at the University of Oslo and whenever I see an old classmate from high school, I feel I have to talk the person - despite the fact we barely know eachother. Thank God for the "I have a lecture in a couple of minutes - have to go!"-excuse.

Worst case scenario is when you discover that you're heading the same way as your ex-classmate but you've already said "bye" to eachother. You find yourself walking a couple of yards in front/behind/to the left/right of an ex-classmate, trying to ignore him/her the best you can. Pretty awkward.

Anonymous said...

I just discovered your blog a couple of weeks ago and it's genious. Just wanted to say that!

Shannon said...

Oh, grocery stores. I see people I kind of sort of know from work there all the time. Sometimes I suffer from situation #2 when I do.

Other times I resort to being three years old, mentally cover my eyes, and hope that if I pretend that I can't see them, they won't notice me. Until now, though, I never stopped to wonder if my successes are sometimes because they're hiding from me too.


http://www.threateningloveletters.blogspot.com/

spencerbroseph said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nhu3vmvxeRM reminds me of this post

Susan Kirby-Smith said...

I love the expressions on the faces of these characters.

Ellie said...

Awesome as ever.

Ellie said...

Awesome as ever.

Emily @ Gourmet Mommy said...

My husband will ALWAYS say hello to people as I desperately try to avoid eye contact with them. He's also terrible at names, so he will walk up to someone, say hi, start an awkward conversation and then ask them what their name is again. I want to crawl in a hole and die.
MSN... when I used to have it... was always set to "away" so I didn't have to talk to anyone if I didn't want to. Facebook is always set to appear offline.
The phone is pretty awful though, when people call and it quickly becomes apparent that they have no agenda except chatting I almost want to throw up. Thankfully I have a baby, he's a great excuse. "Well... I think the baby needs a diaper change now..."
Genius. This post is genius.

Shrah the Confounded, Last of the Red Hot Swamis said...

This pretty much happens to me on a daily basis. Only in real life I don't laugh until I pee myself like I do when I read about it.

I usually just sort of stare awkwardly before I say something completely stupid.



Like that I pee myself reading your blog.

Bri said...

I feel like I'm usually on the other side. I come from an area where you're supposed to say hello to people you walk by on the street, even if you don't know them. I thought people were really rude when I went to college, because they didn't try to make the obligatory 5 minutes of small talk when we knew each other.

Manda said...

I totally am in love with this blog! It's hilarious! I hope you don't mind my bookmarking it. I have been laughing out loud for the past ten minutes. Thank you. :)

Anonymous said...

fear not mortals... a cell phone is your emotional vampire repelling holy symbol. see one of these serenity black holes heading your way? no problem. unsheath your electronic sword of justice and paint your face with a look of damn-the-luck disappointment and say, "aw, i really gotta take this".

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